Dating, Disabled & LGBTQ+ - We Found Love
Unique LGBT will be publishing a couple of blogs on the subject of dating. I thought it would be a good start to the blog to introduce a couple of our group members who have had success finding their partner as disabled LGBTQ+ people.
It's easy to focus on the negatives surrounding dating. Whether you're disabled, LGBTQ+, both, non-disabled, straight, young, old, we all have a tendency to focus on the obstacles that might be in our way. The more marginalised you are, the harder it can be to navigate these obstacles. So we try and stay positive.
I talked to two members of Unique LGBT to ask them how them met their partners and the stories are truly heartwarming, especially for a cynical old person like myself.
Chan
"I started dating around sometime in 2013. At this point I knew I had depression but didn't know I had psychosis so I always put it on my dating profile. This was the first time I really came to terms with me being gay. I didn't really know what it meant, I used to think I was mentally sick. I first started dating on PoF (Plenty of Fish) and actually got lot of men message me but it was always me making the first contact with women. And I'd always get the reply 'sorry I don't date people with mental health problems'.
"I decided to try lesbian dating sites and I got the same reaction, apart from my ex. She didn't mind me having mental health problems as she did too. Most girls called me fat because I have an eating disorder and that they don't date fat people. They wanted slim fake models kinda girls... It was all about the 'size zero'. Anyway that relationship then ended as it got to a point where it put her in a difficult place with choosing me or her mum (she was her mum's carer). She wanted to save me from my family. We stayed friends for bit while I was in rehab.
"After this I wanted to give up, she was my 2nd love. I really did fall for her. She was my first girlfriend who didn't use me. My last two ex's before her used me - one for sex and the other for money.
"I came out of rehab and decided to give it a last shot. This is when I met Clare. I had actually known her before from another dating site a few yrs ago but we never got together. When we started talking I had taken my disabilities off the profile and she opened up to me first about having learning disabilities and mental health problems, etc., and after this point I told her 'don't worry... I am the same and I don't judge people like that'. Three weeks after talking and getting to know each other we decided to meet up on 1st October 2016. She asked me out to Pizza Express we went to in Covent Garden. Just before we met up I told my best mate would she come with me as I was meeting Clare so we did a double date with her and her girlfriend at the time. Clare was quite shy so asked me out via text lol.
"I don't know why but I never really told people about my other disabilities. Just people knew about my colitis and depression but nothing else really. At this point I wasn't physically disabled with my legs. I guess a lot of people bullied me and made fun of me in school and I have a speech and language impairment which you can't tell now as I had therapy but Clare knows. Something just made me trust her to tell her everything. I think it was the fact that she said it first and that she said she cares about the inside rather than the outside. I just feel like I'm never good enough and Clare always tell me off.
"By the time we had been together for three months we both of us knew this was it. I was for her and she was for me. We even started talking about wanting to get married in the future. So I took her to a jewellery shop and suggested we check the prices for when we eventually want to get married. Of course I had taken her there to find a ring as I was going to propose soon. We both fell in love with the first ring we saw. I got her finger measured so I knew which size to get. Clare gave me a funny look and asked me why. I told her, 'it's for the wedding and that we need to look at different places and prices'.
"Later I phoned up a seafront restaurant in Brighton called Alfresco. I explained that I was going to propose and booked a date and time so I could propose on our six month anniversary. Of course, I had told everyone at this point except Clare. I asked my mum to take her shopping whilst I went and bought the ring. Later that day I asked Clare if she would like to have a weekend in Brighton for our six month anniversary. Her face just completely lit up and she nodded yes. I told her to pack some smart clothes in case we got to go out somewhere.
"During our stay in Brighton we went to have our romantic dinner. I had told them on the phone I want a decent table with a nice view. So we turn up to the restaurant and there is a notice outside. Restaurant closed for private event. My heart was literally about break and I thought I was going to faint. Then someone came out who turned out to be the manager and I asked 'what's this notice?' He said, 'don't worry, come in, come in'. He showed us to our table and we had a lovely view. The entire restaurant was closed just for us and one other hen party.
"We had our dinner and I called the waiter over to take a photo of us. This was my code to ask him to video the proposal. I got down on one knee and proposed to Clare.
As I got down on one knee Clare looked completely confused and shocked. My hand was shaking and we were both emotional. She said yes! I put the ring on her finger and gave her a hug and kiss. Clare was bright red. In the background the waiter recorded it all and the girls from the hen party were all cheering and clapping and bought us a cocktail.
"That was the best day of my life."
Charles
"I met my boyfriend Steven at London Pride. With the support of my friends I dared to go to London pride wearing a sexy skin superhero outfit. It felt good to turn off and not intentionally be looking for someone but instead enjoy Pride. Fate however wouldn't have it that way. Due to my hand coordination difficulties I was having trouble doing up my costume zip. The random guy I asked for help was Steven. Unfortunately, the costume zip was broken. Steven offered me a drink to say sorry. The next day again by the wonders of fate we were on the same train and enjoyed a fab day in Ally Pally and Black Pride at Vauxhall. These two little twists if fate have lead to almost two years of love and support.
"Steven often plays the role of my carer in Soho to help negotiate the world around me that can often be full of those who will not hold out an arm or a hand to help men and women who are blind or partially sighted. Though there have been moments were my varied way of seeing the world has caused confusion. I am so thankful to have a man and friends in my life that don't judge and help me through life even though I often see things differently or react more abruptly. My advice to any searching for a partner is to be patient and that the love of friends can help you through so much."
Thank you for reading our first blog. Next time we will be looking at some of the issues surrounding dating as a disabled LGBTQ+ person.