Dating - The Ableism Within
Dating is daunting for anyone. Add in the additional issues that need to be navigated within the LGBTQ+ community then things can be a little more complex. On top of that, if you have a disability and you're up against a lot of obstacles that can seem overwhelming at times. There are many dating sites and apps out there for everyone to choose from and there are a few that are directed specifically for disabled people. I've been unable to find a service that is specifically for LGBTQ+ disabled people but most dating services are relatively inclusive for the Queer community these days.
Physical disabilities, in this world seemingly obsessed with physical perfection, can make entering the dating scene a soul destroying experience unless you find supportive and open minded people with which to socialise and date. However, it's arguably harder for people with invisible disabilities to find suitable date mates. To start with how do you describe yourself? How many people will be willing to date someone who has a mental illness, is on the autism spectrum or has a learning difficulty? You would hope that people within the disabled community itself would be more inclusive and accepting.
Imagine my horror when I discovered a dating service called "The Outsiders"* specifically for disabled people which states the following in their terms of membership:
"I declare that I can handle my own personal affairs and don’t need support in running my life, i.e. I don’t have a learning difficulty, brain injury or severe mental health problems which prevent me from coping with my life by myself".
The irony is that in the very next two paragraphs the site specifically states that members should not be "discriminatory against disabled or disfigured people" and also:
"Do not tell them that you only want a ‘normal’ or non-disabled partner as this is discriminatory and we are a club for acceptance of disability."
So the only people who are able to discriminate are the site owners?
The blatant ableist gatekeeping of this statement is mindblowing. Who decides if someone is too mentally ill? Who decides if someone's brain injury is too severe? I am specifically writing this as someone with a permanent mental illness and who also has Aspergers (in addition to a physical disability). I have a carer, I get a lot of support with various things in my life. I am not always able to handle all of my own personal affairs without assistance. However, I feel that I am worthy of love. I feel that anyone is worthy of finding someone special with which to share their life. It should not be down to other disabled people to exclude me. I'm not looking to date someone who can be my carer, I'm not looking for financial support, I'm looking for human contact and love. I don't expect everyone to want to date me, or to find me attractive, but to specifically exclude a whole group of people from a service arbitrarily is disgusting. And that this service is run by other disabled people makes it so much worse, in my opinion. (The Outsiders website states, "Outsiders is a social, peer support and dating club, run by and for socially and physically disabled people".) As disabled people we expect discrimination from the non disabled community. We fight for equality and to be treated as valuable members of society. Do we need to fight other disabled people too? Should we have to? I don't think so.
I hope that this post will make everyone think, disabled and non disabled. We're all worthy of being treated as valuable and we're all worthy of love.
To try and end on a positive note, if you are interested in joining a dating site that doesn't have discriminatory membership exclusions, please find a few links below.
(Please note that Unique LGBT is not affiliated with any of these dating sites and the writer has no personal experience with any of them, please use caution and be sensible when joining a dating site and take precautions to protect yourself, such as only meeting people in a public location and making sure that other friends know where you are. For more in depth safety tips see the links below.)
Dating sites for disabled people
Safety tips for online dating
If you are a disabled member of the LGBTQ+ community and you'd like to contribute your story, please contact the page.
* I contacted the Outsiders page for a comment on their terms of membership but they have, as yet, not responded. I shall upate this blog if any response is forthcoming.